Board Thread:Survivor 29: Hallasan/@comment-26497890-20180109221027/@comment-31430415-20180110073827

Hi Zach! Thank you so much for your speech, and I apologize for the delayed response, you made a lot of strong points and I wanted to make sure I did it justice.

I’m sorry for taking a quick detour for a hot sec, but I’m going to refute something Devon said above because I’m really just over him undermining my game when I was trying my best to keep my responses about my game and my game alone instead of tearing him down.

“3. My connection with Felipe allowed for me to NOT target Jake when I wanted to, because he came to me and told me Jake had an idol. I then waited until the right moment, with the numbers, and went with the smartest route.”  I told Devon that Jake had found his idol 8 minutes after Jake found it and told me:

Ally: deVON  Jake just found the idol  don't tell anyone

Devon Withers: Omfg......RIP me next tribal

Felipe was not even on our tribe at the time. Devon apparently has so much information he can’t even remember where it came from.

ANYWAY. Now that that’s out of the way.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">Thank you again for your speech, I appreciate how genuine and… not angry it was. Before I get to the questions themselves, I want to address a few of the concerns you had, because they made a lot of sense and I want to explain them. I’m going to skip the pre-game related stuff and answer it in your question below as asked, but here’s a couple other things from your response to my speech that stuck out to me:

<span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">First, how you described the way that I treated you when I didn’t need you. <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-style:italic;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">“When did you do this again? Musta sipped my mind through the entire merge you decided I wasn’t convenient enough to keep up regular communication, game or personal, until you needed me later on.” <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">You’re definitely right in that I slacked on my communication with you, but that was for more reasons than just “I don’t need him right now, I’ll leave it for later when he’s necessary”. It was because during the merge vote when you approached me and f2ed me (comparing us to Malcolm and Denise but going to the f2 together), you were telling the people in the old Donnaeko chat what I was saying and sharing (what felt like) everything I was telling you, and Cammy was telling me what you were telling them. This made me feel really sketched out and I basically immediately shut down towards you and felt like I couldn’t give you information while Sam was still in the game because from my perspective, you would run back to her. This absolutely does not excuse the way that I treated you, nor does it justify running back to you once I felt like you were of use, and that was a terrible mistake on my part. I just felt like you were owed an explanation as to why I was doing that, even if it might not be good reasoning.

<span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">The second thing I want to address is this regarding the final 7 vote: <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-style:italic;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;"> “Not telling Cammy to idol at 7 or 6 was just dumb on your end. If you were truly genuine about wanting to go to final 3 w Devon and I, you would have just got that thing out of the scenario here. It would have been an easy cover up and an even easier f5 tribal.” <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">You are absolutely 100% right about this. When I wrote my original speech, it was much longer than what I presented and I cut a lot out of it. This was something that I shortened at the end of my explanation of f7: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-weight:700;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">“During the vote, Cammy also revealed to me that she had the Donnaeko idol, and she asked if she should be playing it because she knew she was getting votes. Ultimately, we both decided she didn’t need to idol herself. I believe this was my first big mistake in the game. Looking back, I probably would’ve told her not to risk it and made up a reason that Devon was being sus to me in order to flush it, because that idol would come back to bite me at final 5.” <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">That is one of the biggest regrets I have in this game by far, and if I could pick one thing to do differently, it would either be to tell Cammy to play her idol in that moment or to fix my aggression towards Blake.

<span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">And regarding the final 5 vote: <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-style:italic;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;"> “You need to defend the final 5 round more Ally. You and Devon benefited from the tribal, Cammy and Felipe didn’t. Yes, it could’ve been done better and yes, Felipe could have gone home had you played more ideally a few rounds ago, but given the cards dealt you and Devon did great. Own it, accept it, use it as a strength.” <span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;"> I appreciate this, thank you for the advice. The reason I’m so down about that round is because it felt like it was the first time in the game that I was losing control and it wasn’t going the exact way I wanted it to go, and (to put it bluntly) I’m an obsessive control freak and I don’t like it when things don’t work out the way I plan them to.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">Now I’ll go on and answer your actual questions.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:700;white-space:pre-wrap;">1. You enter this game as an applicant and you know nobody pregame. How well do you actually think you do? I really just want to see an analysis of your gameplay, social connections, and how reliant on knowing people your game was.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">I originally wrote like, 2 pages for this question, but it was all bullshit and hypotheticals, so I deleted it. I’m going to say this. I think I 100% make merge if I’m given the exact same players, but I never met any of them. This is because most of my premerge game fell on my ingame relationships, and I made it to merge on my own merit (besides the lake trip, which I'll address in a sec), and I think that’s being undervalued right now. The only question is how I do at merge. In all of my other ORGs, I have either known no one, or known nearly the entire cast. And there is a resounding difference in my placements between the two. If I know nearly the entire cast, I go prejury. This was only untrue 1 time, and I got 10th in that case. If I know no one, I almost always make final 5 minimum, and I’ve gotten final juror in those games 3 times. When I play with my friends, I get overemotional and it hurts my game performance. When I play with only strangers, I’m generally a lot better at connecting with them. So I think that I would still get far, but I would likely work harder socially because I wouldn’t be handed the connections right off the bat. I’d like to state that regardless of me being given the initial connections to Jake and Cammy, I worked at keeping those connections solid throughout the game. I was talking to Cammy constantly trying to build my relationship with her, because she had the most valuable information to me since she was from Donnaeko and was the most willing to talk to me. This would have been true whether I knew her pregame or not. She was the one that felt alienated, and if I didn’t know anyone I would’ve still been looking for a way to penetrate Donnaeko, and talking to her still would’ve been it. It would’ve made it harder for me, yes, but not impossible.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">The two biggest times where my pregame relationships benefitted me were:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">- When Jake took me to the lake.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">- When Cammy approached me at merge and immediately told me she wanted to split up Sam/Dan.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">If those two things didn’t happen, I genuinely believe I would make it work. I’m a good player, and I’ve shown this in games with only strangers. If I didn’t have the mutiny on Wonsan, I’m guessing one of you and Louise would have, and neither of you would stay on that death tribe. And I beat both of your firemaking scores. So I survive that. If Cammy didn’t spill everything about Dan/Sam to me at merge, I would find another way to connect with the people on Donnaeko. I used the pregame relationships because they did too, and I saw no way where I could just tell them to fuck off and that I didn’t want to align with them. And maybe the jury believes that the fact that I worked with Jake after he took me to the lake (without me even having any say in this, I’m being reamed out for something I couldn’t control) or that I worked with Cammy after she approached me at merge to tell me about Dan/Sam (again, it’s not like I spilled my entire game to her, and I wasn’t about to plug my ears and tell her to stop talking) makes all the other stuff I did in this game worthless, but I don’t think it does.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:700;white-space:pre-wrap;">2. I really want an explination as to how you handled people. You kept constant contact with people… but only if they were voting with you. Is this intentional, creating an Us v Them narrative? Unintentional? Both? Neither?

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">Unintentional. I’m not going to try and bullshit an explanation about how this was strategy. It wasn’t. It was absolutely my biggest failure in this game. I’m a shy person, and I’m only good at making social bonds work if they’re absolutely necessary because then I’m being forced to make them. And they weren’t necessary for me to make the end here, so my social anxiety ridden ass didn’t do it. And that’s a failure on my part. There’s no strategy behind that.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:700;white-space:pre-wrap;">3. Whats the best Death Grips album? (my opinion is the only one that matters HECK OFF ANTHONY FANTANO)

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">Bottomless Pit is my #1!!! It’s the first one I heard from them so it’s got a special place in my heart. Government Plates is a close 2nd. The Money Store has barely any plays on my iTunes i cbf it ain’t no 10/10 to me

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:700;white-space:pre-wrap;">Take the jury and yourselves, and rank em’ based on 3 categories: Strategic, social, and overall. Do not pander, do not overplace yourself or underplace your fellow finalist. Use as much or as little detail as you want as thats not what im looking for, im just looking for two subjective lists.

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">dan probably isn’t ranked accurately because i don’t know him i’m so sorry

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Arial;font-size:11pt;font-weight:400;white-space:pre-wrap;">Strategic:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">1. Sam

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">2: Ally

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">3: Cammy

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">4: Devon

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">5: Jake

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">6: Zach

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">7: Felipe

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">8: Dan

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">9: Blake

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Social:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">1. Cammy

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">2. Zach

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">3. Sam

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">4. Blake

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">5. Jake

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">6. Dan

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">7. Devon

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">8. Felipe

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">9. Ally

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:700;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Give each juror and yourselves a song that fits them, whether it is based on gameplay, on personality, out of game stuff, i dont care. Make it genuine, just yknow, dont overthink it. Will i be judging ur music taste like the pretentious hipster i am? Of COURSE. Will whether or not I actually like the music have a bearing on my decisions? HECC no. That’d be DUMB.

<span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">Dan: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(17,85,204);font-weight:400;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;text-decoration-line:underline;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93LhP1CgQ6w

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-weight:400;font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">Blake: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(17,85,204);font-weight:400;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;text-decoration-line:underline;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Jake: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#1155cc;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;-webkit-text-decoration-skip:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Sam: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#1155cc;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;-webkit-text-decoration-skip:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uYs0gJD-LE

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Zach: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#1155cc;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;-webkit-text-decoration-skip:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNo0MQhF9xw

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Felipe: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#1155cc;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;-webkit-text-decoration-skip:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_3d6GntKbk<span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Cammy: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#1155cc;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;-webkit-text-decoration-skip:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXyA4MXKIKo

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">Ally: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#1155cc;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:underline;-webkit-text-decoration-skip:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE

<span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-weight:400;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">Devon: <span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(17,85,204);font-weight:400;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;text-decoration-line:underline;white-space:pre-wrap;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2LC1xrdOaM<span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(0,0,0);font-weight:400;font-variant-numeric:normal;font-variant-east-asian:normal;white-space:pre-wrap;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;font-weight:400;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre;white-space:pre-wrap;">thank you so much for your speech zach i appreciate the opportunity to explain myself more than you can imagine at this moment. i apologize for the length and if anything was incoherent i've been writing and rewriting this for hours and this is the best i've come up with.