Board Thread:Survivor 30: Legends/@comment-24215409-20180307002014/@comment-26703314-20180307004807

You're right (about a lot of things but I'll get to that in a minute). I got a very bad feeling when I realized how easy it would be for you and Christine to use my move to better your own positions in the game. I wanted to play the idol on you because 1. I wanted you in more than Christine, for obvious reasons, and 2. it was a move I could list as my own. But I realized it just wouldn't work. It was dumb of me to jump out and say I would do it with 100% certainty, because there's no way I could guarantee that. It wasn't an attempt to just make you like me more because that's the kind of the move that has the OPPOSITE effect. If anything it would've made you mad at me for lying. So no, it wasn't just a really bad social play. It was a move I wanted to make but couldn't for a lot of reasons.

Regarding the punch first thing.....yes. Yes, it's hard to admit but that is exactly how I played this season. I'm so used, in life and in orgs, to being fucked over by everyone around me that I lashed out and wanted to be 'the winner' of every single potential conflict I made up in my head. It's hard to actually admit it and put it into words...25 years of a not exactly easy life have conditioned me to be defensive and not let people get one over on me. For a long period of time in my early org life I was very trusting and open to people because it had been something I'd worked on for my entire life. But recent events and my own personal self-sabotaging changed that in this game. Finding a healthy balance sounds so simple for most people but for me it's been a lifelong journey. And I can't claim I've reached it yet. So for me every mistake and misstep I've made in this game is a growing opportunity and a chance for me to continue that journey.

And lastly, I'm just glad we could be able to talk and be on good terms because after Hallasan it didn't look possible but I'm personally glad we played together. I feel like more than just putting the bad vibes of that season behind us, you were someone who I truly enjoyed getting to know and you were there for me in a very hard period in my life. So for that, beyond really any game relationship, I'm grateful to you.