Board Thread:Survivor 30: Legends/@comment-26703314-20180304073525

hi

it me

Well let's start by addressing the elephant in the room. I don't think anyone pre-season expected me to make it here, and I'm sure during the season proper everyone here at some point didn't WANT me to make it here. I own up to the fact that I was at times unpleasant, rude, or outright mean. Even if at the time I believed I was justified in my actions, I am not the type of person who wants to make others feel bad. And I did just that. So to anyone reading this that felt personally hurt by anything I said or did this season: feel free to reach out to me for a 1 on 1 because I do want to make amends. Also this entire opening statement will be completely stream of consciousness so expect some random thoughts or otherwise incoherent things. I think it's more organic to just sit down and write what comes to mind rather than editing it all to hell.

that said

As an advanced warning to you jurors: Yes, I intend to answer you truthfully and sincerely. I want to win, and I believe I am as deserving as the other two ladies next to me. But I absolutely will not take any of your bullshit and offer you subservient platitudes in response. If you want to come at me with some kind of self-serving or whiny crap, I will fire back at you. Ask me questions about the game, ask me why I did the things I did, ask me why I felt the need to be a massive bitch in general. You can even criticize me for the things I've said and done because I do warrant that. But if you get started on your self-victimology, to quote a Vine, I won't hesitate bitch. I'm not a fucking college student, so don't test me. You're not any better than me, don't pretend you are and I won't pretend I don't deserve judgement for things I've done. We're all equals here and if I'm gonna willing to get down from my high horse to accept critcism and admit wrongdoing, I expect the same from the lot of you. So don't try it.

Alright with all of THAT out of the way...I'm not one of those people who writes up an entire five page essay on every minute detail of their game. I find it boring and tedious to write and also read. I'll give you the outline of my mindset going into this season, the things that shook me, and how I got here. Everything in between that you want to know about can be asked, I'm sure.

So going into this season I knew I had a Reputation (TM). Every returnee season I've been in I was targeted instantly at early jury or merge, or premerged. Because I was seen as a big social threat, someone with a bunch of friends in the community who could get far effortlessly. Needless to say, I was worried the same would happen here. I wanted more than anything to make it far this season so when I submitted my app, I sat down and thought long and hard about how to avoid my reputation.

I'm sure you can see where this is heading.

Yep, instead of social, always friendly and loyal Eva, I decided to pull a Look What You Made Me Do and became EVIL (TM). Not REALLY but I did make the decision to drastically alter my social game. I became incredibly confrontational in my tribal answers, I deliberately antagonized the Visionaries (which contained most of my friends from outside of the game), I was loud-mouthed and overly opinionated yet when it came time to discuss strategy I retreated into my hollow shell. I avoided the limelight and desperately tried to let anyone else make the big moves. And it's a testament to how enduring my reputation was because even after that, I was still a major target at all three of the first merge votes.

I KNOW that had I not taken the measures I did and played completely contrary to my usual instincts, I would not have made it this far and probably wouldn't have even broken double digits. I NEEDED to be someone that 1. could be beaten and 2. could be predicted. Everyone knew what I was about this entire season because I never hid it! I was upfront about who I wanted to work with (Toby/Zak, then Eddie/Christine/Jessy, then ChrisB/Torsa/Evan/Alissa, then Torsa and Jessy, and finally Asa and Fitz) so nobody ever had any reason to see me as a big strategic or social threat. And in challenges I didn't really need to try to make myself look weak because I already am lmfao.

It was hard. It didn't FEEL organic. I had to consitently tell myself. "Don't message X first, they'll tell their allies that you're being very social." "Call this thing out in your tribal answer, that will make people think you're nuts" "Say this shady thing to this person because you know they'll tell it to the person it's about" Those are all things that I would never normally do but well...i felt that I had to. Plus it was fun and entertaining, for me and apparently to some others. I enjoyed doing it because deep down inside we all want to let our id run free. It's liberating. And at times, I lost control. The thing is that when you make the decision to be an open book, not everything in the book is gonna make people happy. Sometimes it rubs people the wrong way or even hurts their feelings. After that, the best you can do is own up to it and try to make amends. No one's perfect, but it's worth it to at least try to be.

So...Say what you want about my game this season, that I was a mess, that I was a floater...but goddamn, it actually worked. Like I'm still shocked that I'm here. After I came so close to making the end in Socotra, I wanted more than anything to get to FTC on 703. I was absolutely devastated when I failed in HvV...but I DID IT! I fucking managed to claw my way to the end even when a massive fucking curveball knocked me sideways IRL at final 7. I even found an idol! Me! I never find idols in like anything ever but this season it happened. Like...I am still shook by that.

I couldn't be prouder of myself. Because I'm not just here for me. I'm here for Austin, who was so devastated by his elimination he left for good. For Zak, who I stuck by to the bitter end and who went out hoping I could survive even one more round. For Chris and Torsa, who I adore beyond words. For Fariha, who warned everyone about me and Jessy and who was the first person of many to write my name down. For everyone who thinks you can't completely reinvent yourself and find success in it.

So yeah, that's my opening statement. Maybe I was a floating, mean spirited, vindictive bitch this season. In fact, I'm pretty certain I was all of those things. But I am nontheless happy with my performance this season. I've had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I've made new friendships, new enemies, and everything in between. And I've made Final 3 out of 24 players, out of over 100 applicants. This season was hell and high water to get through, and none of us made it through unscathed. But it's nearly over, and I'm ready to see what you all have to say about me in your questions. No matter what though, I have the biggest smile on my face as I write this because through everything, I've come out at the end of the tunnel wtih my head held high. 