Board Thread:Survivor 24: Caracol/@comment-24207263-20170513163904/@comment-2114961-20170514012817

Hello ladies(?) and non-gentlemen. I'm so happy to be here at what is apparently the Marcos/Salvador reunion. But then again, I guess they needed something to spice this season up. It’s like the Mayan civilization: DESERTED. But I’m not here to roast you guys, I’m here for my fellow loved ones.

Let's start with the lovely Eva. Now I have to admit, I don't remember much of your time here on 703, but then again....who does? But I do know you from Koror! It must be tough being a second rate has—I mean second placer all the time. Now I'm looking at your history on here and I don't quite understand why you're considered a Hero, I mean, that nosejob is PRETTY evil if you ask me! And while we're on aesthetic choices, you can dye your hair all you want, but you’re just a little too dark-skinned to play Harley Quinn in the next Suicide Squad movie. Shame :(. Speaking of which, I know people seem to think you’re white for some reason, and honestly, it confuses me too considering you’re the trashiest ghetto bitch I’ve EVER laid eyes on! But at least you'll always have your prestigious hosting career; like Sumbaw.....ugh, or Keral....no, or Oh! El Salva—OH WAIT.

Next on the agenda is another Hispanic.... "Icon"? Wait no I'm sorry wrong word, I meant "fellow two time Second Place flop!" Yknow, you two have a lot in common. Both Hispanic, both somehow won fan favorite on here and main, both FLOPS that'll probably "officially quit ORG" in about a month. Funny how life works. :) But you sir are very near and dear to my heart. I don't know anyone else who's dumb enough to emulate their Survivor idol by almost getting rocked out! I'm sure you made your Ciera cult shrine proud. I can't blame you tho, if I were the first Miguel to lose main org and become irrelevant, I'd have a mental breakdown too. But at least you got that Chile pride going on! Chile – The country packed with more meat than Malik on a Friday night :)

Speaking of my favorite hoe; MALIK! Malik, what can be said about you that hasn't already been plastered on parchment a thousand times already? For someone that never wins you just...keep on truckin huh? I guess you had to do SOMETHING to stand out from Jalen and Cameron! But at least you were part of such an iconic season. I mean, you weren't iconic in it but.... Anyway, y'know I have mad respect for you bro, it takes a lot of courage to try to be a lesser Tyler Ridgeway and you're doing just a BANG UP job! And seeing as you're probably the whitest black person in this community I'm sure you'll have much more success in the future. Lets give it up for Malik Graham Cracker!

And Finally, Chris! All I know about you is being more joined at the hip with Claudia than Sorapher. I suppose every King needs and Queen, and Claudia definitely found the perfect queen! You also point out your username a lot...ariel...chinook? Kristin Chenoweth? Oh wait I know! Sonic Chewbacca! That was it! But no in all seriousness Im impressed by your org prowess, I thought Max carrying MIGUEL my season was bad but yikes! You at least have some charm to you, but you'll never be a Blue kind of Chris, more of a... McLean type.

Well thanks guys for-- ...Oh wait I'm getting word that was not the last one! ...Elmo was it? I'm sorry, I didn't realize Muppets could compete. But no in all seriousness you are a wonderful person. You can do no wrong. Some might even say you're beautiful. You're perfect. You look like Linda Evangelista. You're a model! Did you make that manga yourself? Cause your smile is SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL~ The Valentina routine is as transparent as her teeth. I don't know much about you as a person, but as a cynical pessimist there's no way you're that nice. Maybe I'm wrong, but I won't know till the Survivor Cow says MOO.

Well thank you guys for this opportunity I'll probably add in some bonus roasts as they come to mind. You all suck and El Salvador is best season :)))))