Board Thread:Big Brother 4/@comment-7317707-20170910045020/@comment-31720975-20170910095723

 Forrest,

 First of all, thank you for appreciating my strategic game, that does mean a lot, especially with you being able to admit that despite the personal dislike, so thank you. I honestly did work as hard as possible in a strategic sense i'm proud of the strategic moves I orchestrated.         But when it comes to this vote, I believe you’ll be someone who will vote for the best gameplayer and that was me, I managed to dominate this game towards the end & I would hope the game wouldn’t be ended on a note where it was a ‘against the best player vote’, especially for a season which was full of strategic moves and big game players, I would hope the vote would respect that.
 * 1)  That slideshow was one of the worst moves I did make, if you can even call it a move & it contributed to my pretty awful jury management. At that point, I can’t lie, I was heated, immature, being a total bitch, and I wanted to twist the knife in. I felt i had ‘beat’ Alexa, won the ‘war’ and wanted some final words before she left. I went way overboard, I wanted to 'one up' her on the little infographic she had made before, but of course I went too far. The only slight strategic sense it had, was continuing to show to the leftovers that i was loyal to them, wouldn’t side with Estefana after Alexa had left and was ‘honest’ in this game (as One of my main moves within the leftovers was consistently painting the other side as the liars, saying we needed to ‘beat them’ it was us to the end, who cares who got 5th etc f we got them all out first). Furthermore, this terrible jury management, was a reason I used later in the game to explain why I should be taken to the end (though I can’t lie and say it was planned seeing the reprecussions of this slideshow and the personal attacks, as it wasn’t, but i tried to make this perception and bad moves on my part work in my favour towards the end, as I consistently stated that I would not win at the end and should be taken as the personal dislike would defeat my strategy in the jury's eyes, which I think worked to some extent). I left my cockyness get the best of me at this period in the game, and I’m not proud of it, you’re right it was just a bad move, and ugly.
 * 2)  Because you ultimately respect the game. The personal insults I have said, I don’t think there's anything else I can say, I can’t take them back, they were disgusting, it took being exposed for me to fully own up to my actions (it looks fake, i accept that, but i’m someone who will always try deny and avoid the heat, I’m a hypocrite in that sense, and can’t really deal with confrontation on a personal level, and run away from my own flaws. It took being fully exposed to realise, I can’t ‘run’ from this one, I need to accept responsibility, accept I can be a total immature bitch, and all i can do is learn from it).  I completely understand that may still come across fake, but I can’t really express enough that regardless of the game outcome, I do regret how ugly I went, it was completely unnecessary and just shows sides of my character, that are just nasty, and I’m ashamed of that, trust me, i’m not thinking i’m some ‘iconic queen’ over those actions that’s for sure.

 I can’t take back the personal attacks, All i can do is apologise. But truly, I played the best game, and that’s what big brother is, the majority of this game is strategic, and I ran this game. Neither of us are a great option, flaws in different ways, but I clearly did play miles better than Christina in the game & I believe you would be someone who would vote in more of a strategic sense. When you were evicted, you admitted if I made it to the end somehow (it seemed doubtful) you would vote for me & I hope you keep to that, despite the issues since. I made it here, and I would expect that if one of the other strategic game players had made the end, they would have hoped for the same outcome, with the strategy winning over any personal dislike.

3. That move could have cost me. At that point in the game, I didn’t want to push this new alliance into making too much of a ‘big’ move, and I didn’t want to try too hard to control Courtney’s nominations. I had already formed the alliance, and i didn’t want the alliance thinking this was some ‘dictatorship’ as that had been a common criticism throughout the game to that point so far with alliances, with it being viewed as one person in control. I wanted the leftovers to all feel equal in the alliance, and not that it was me just forcing ideas through, I needed to be more subtle. Courtney felt more comfortable with you leaving, and that was still a good move in my eyes, as it lowered the numbers from the opposing side, and also crucially took out a solid ally for Alexa (+ I still had Charley at this point, so i felt this put me in a better position). I also was somewhat naive, thinking maybe further in the game, I could repair relations with Alexa, under the guise of us both being big threats who needed to look after each other, or we would be taken out one by one. Of course this didn’t happen, but that was the thought process at the time. Ultimately it lost me Charley, which was a huge loss to my game (This made me feel an odd link in the leftovers, with Sydney/Joey seeming tight, and Christina/Courtney, but despite this, i continued through in the game without a person I knew wouldn’t turn on me, and I think that’s another great achievement in this game, I lost my perceived number 1 early in the merge, and still survived, and kept the leftovers intact, despite a number being lost). So Yes it could have turned out to be a bad move and very nearly did, but the thought process at the time was, anyone from your side leaving first was good, it took out a number, and I didn’t want to appear too forceful.